Today I hope to start looking for a new therapist in earnest. Some of you may recall that my last therapist, who I’d been seeing for about 6 months, had to end our relationship back in January when she got a new job with conflicting hours. I wasn’t ready at the time to continue on in therapy, things had been feeling stagnant and I hadn’t had anything to say in quite some time. Recently, I’ve had a lot of grief bubbling up to the surface. I’m mourning my childhood and I’m mourning my marriage (all a little bit too late, but since it’s a sign of healing, I’m trying not to give myself too much shit about it.)
I wrote short a paper for class last week on (infant) Attachment Theory and its effects that last into adulthood and it really hurt. (Handy link with more information here) When I recognized bits of myself in the lesser areas of attachment, I realized I never really had a chance. I never would have married someone awesome, those awesome, healthy people make me hideously uncomfortable (something I thought was them not me.) It also made me so very sad for that little kid that I used to be, I can’t help but wonder what it was that happened to her– because the things I know of were always presented as normal to me, so I’m still half blind to them. It’s why sometimes I tell stories about my childhood that I laugh about and my audience cringes at! Then someone else in my (online) class discovered a quiz and I scored a bit worse than I thought I would have.Image may be NSFW.
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On top of this, I’m just starting to fall back into this invasive feeling of sadness and loneliness that is somehow coupled with the lack of desire to ever be near another person. I’m pushing myself in some, maybe, not great ways, too. For example I ended up making out with some guy over the weekend just to see if I could prevent myself from having anxiety over it, which means shutting down and ignoring all feelings. Which means I’m probably ready to head back to therapy and learn some more constructive tools. I am NOT looking forward to this. Not even a little. But, much like a root canal, it’s only going to get worse if I put it off.
