I had my weekly appointment today and mostly just rambled a bit since I didn’t have anything specific to day. Somehow or other, I ended up mentioning the surgical abortion I had after being raped when I was 18 and the medical abortion (RU-486) I had at 27 after a stupid mistake with Prince Charming (stupid as in we’d been drinking and were too stupid to reach for the condoms. I knew it was stupid at the time, but naively believed it would be fine.) I’d never mentioned them before because they don’t bother me, I don’t have any regret over either one, I don’t think they make me (or anyone else) a bad person, they don’t effect my life in any way. I’m not saying either one was fun or that I’d love to get another- far from it! But I feel the same way about the times I’ve had bronchitis- it happened, I got better and I don’t have bronchitis anymore. The end.
The part of all this worth mentioning is that when I mentioned the rape that caused me to get pregnant the first time, I couldn’t stop laughing. Obviously, I do not find rape funny, I would never consider making a rape joke or laugh if anyone else mentioned their rape, but often times when I talk about the worst moments of my life, I cannot help but laugh. Maybe it’s a coping mechanism, but I laugh harder at my own pain than you can imagine- it’s probably why I love the agony of French comedies as much as I do. The worst part is that whenever this happens, whenever I tell someone about a horrible moment in my life and I’m overtaken with the giggles, if that person lets slip the horrified facial expression that tells me they might think something is wrong with me that I’m laughing at something so awful… it makes me laugh harder.
I started thinking about it today and I definitely didn’t learn this trait from my parents, neither of them would have ever laughed at a painful moment. My dad would have either never spoken of it, or only mentioned it in passing with complete stoicism. My mother would cry, sometimes with a brave face, to show her injured humanity and gain sympathy. I never wanted sympathy, still don’t. Yeah, my life has sucked at moments (a lot of moments), but what of it? Does crying change anything? No, it just makes everyone else uncomfortable and it makes me look like a drama queen. I don’t know what laughing accomplishes, other than potentially making me look crazy, but it feels better than crying anyway.
