Time has a way of changing everything, right? And I’m no different. I feel like I’ve healed leaps and bounds from my Parental Divorce, though I know I may never be completely healed. I’ve finally moved on to my actual divorce and the ways in which my ex-husband hurt me, I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that most of what happened was NOT my fault. Sure, I can’t foist ALL of the blame onto him, but neither can I tell myself that it was all my fault because I chose poorly. Yes, I made a bad choice in a partner and I forgave him for being a liar, a (cyber) cheater and a porn addict half a dozen times before we got married, once before we even got engaged, it was stupid as hell of me, but it doesn’t mean that I am responsible for his actions. I chose to enter into a doomed marriage, but he chose to doom it.
Other things are changing, too, like my feelings for almost everyone in my life. I think that my best friend and I are growing apart, I have a hard time talking to her lately. She has a 12 year old BA in Psychology and thinks that this means I either want her to analyze everything I say, or that she’s required to do it and it’s damned annoying. I tell her all the time that I don’t need/want her to do it, but she’s compelled to anyway because it’s part of who she is to tell someone all the reasons everything is okay. But let’s recap, shall we? Her “expert” opinion was that I should stay with TheEx and later that I should stay with ExHusband. Oddly enough, though my 2 best relationships still weren’t perfect and were honestly less than healthy, those were still the people she’s chosen to not like, so excuse me if I choose not to take her advise ever again. I also have a hard time with her continuous complaining about the same exact problems for years on end without ever even trying to do anything about them. I am a lot of things, most of them probably aren’t great, but at least I have always been willing to take action, even if it’s a little later than I should have. I sometimes feel like she gave up on life, like shes just accepted that this is as good as it gets and has settled for it and that bothers me. Also, I’m really hurt and bothered that I’ve lived in this city for 4 years now- 3 years before moving back to New Orleans for a year and now I’ve been back here for a year -and she’s only visited once. For 2 days. Meanwhile I’ve gone out to see her an average of twice a year in that time. Now she did come to New Orleans twice, but once ExHusband bought her ticket and the other time she brought a friend of hers (who I do like, but is a rather bourgie middle-America type of vacationer and wanted to spend all of her time on Bourbon Street getting wasted and screaming “Wooo!”) She makes far more money than I do, plus it’s cheaper to go out where I live. It really bothers me that I don’t warrant a visit.
I’m irritated easier with everyone lately, though. My friend who is like an adopted brother sometimes rubs me wrong with his jokes and the way he picks on me. I feel like so many people expect more from me than I should have to give- maybe because I’ve always done it in the past? I have no idea.
And then there’s this. I’m starting to have dreams in which I have a lover, some man or woman who I know I’m with, who cares about me, some kind of dating situation. I’m not ready to contemplate any of that in real life, I’m just not! I don’t want to be! But I feel like my subconscious is back there saying, “Don’t you think it’s time?” And even worse than the dreams is the fact that I can’t shake that want when they’re gone, I’ll think about whoever it was for days or maybe even a week. When I ended up making out with the front man from my favorite band a few weeks ago, after the initial 2 days of anxiety, I ended up having these silly schoolgirl fantasies about him for 2 weeks! I’ve never done that kind of shit, I’m not that naive, I’m not that ridiculous. Last night I dreamed about a guy who I met at a wedding this past fall. The friends who got married had hinted a little before the wedding that they could set us up, but with the ink barely dry on my divorce papers, I declined. I met him at the wedding, of course, anyway, and I there was some kind of buzz between us, but I ran from it like I was on fire. Probably still would. But now, some guy who I haven’t thought of in probably 6 months is in my brain where he doesn’t belong and I’ll probably crush on him for the rest of the week, or until someone else comes along I guess.
I don’t have time to start looking for a therapist right now, I don’t have time for therapy either, but next month when classes are out, then it might be time.