Last year, a couple of weeks after I kicked my parents out of my apartment and my life, I heard from an old family friend. I grew up with her youngest son, who was my age, and have known her pretty much all of my life. She dropped me a line via Facebook saying that my mother was very sick (from what I heard, she had even been admitted to the hospital at some point) and maybe I would be willing to forgive her for whatever happened and call to wish her well. I politely declined, explained that I had officially removed myself from my family members and thanked her for being kind enough to make an attempt to help (which is what she thought she was doing.)
I’ve since removed anyone connected to my family from my Facebook, changed my account name and put my profile at the highest security setting I could. Today, I heard from her again. It seems my mother is getting worse -as in meaner and crazier, not more ill- and she (the family friend) was basically hoping I was well.
Mostly I’m posting the exchange here so that I have a record of it here where I keep all of this kind of thing. I’m glad I got out when I did. I will never go back.
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From Family Friend (FF)
October 21, 2011
Well judging from your comments you and mumsy parted in not so maternal ways….sorry [NYV]…sometimes we are at a lost to figure out why such entities behave as they do but do try that the wiring of some souls is mixed up and it is truly beyond their control…..under the layers is a fragile tortured soul…..that at the end of the day loves her daughter with all her heart….She is very ill at the present and perhaps a phone call just to let her know you love her…..keep it light and short but precise…..good energy only and always will perpetuate good energy……now in her hour of need she needs her daughter to reach out and touch her…..I know this will be difficult for you but your own soul will benefit from this act of compassion…….I’ve learned a few things in my 58 yrs and KARMA is real…..so my lil grasshopper….take a deep breath and cleanse your lungs and soul and let love do the rest……
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From NYV
October 22, 2011
I very much appreciate the kindness behind your intentions, however my walking away from her has been a long time in the coming. After a lifetime of being the one to suck it up in order to keep the peace, I no longer feel that it is in my best interest to continue on in that fashion and the most mature, rational thing I can do is walk away. Obviously I’m not going to give details, but I am confident that no one would consider me in the wrong for my choice.
Again, I appreciate your intent and your thoughtfulness toward my mother, but in order to preserve myself, I can’t comply. I promise you that I’m not making a light or rash decision. At some point, I realized I had to save myself.
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From FF
October 22, 2011
I understand honey…I had to walk away several years back…..we have a relationship but nothing like it was…I trust you will not share…….I pray for some peace within her and wellness but also I wish you the best and yes you have preserved very well….keep the faith young lady……hugs
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From NYV
October 22, 2011
Thank you so much for understanding, I was worried you’d think I was being selfish or childish. I wish her the best, too, but if I have to choose between her or me, I can’t keep giving in & neglecting myself. As time goes on, it was getting worse for me and obvious that it wasn’t going to change, so I had to remove myself from a toxic situation, no matter how hard it is for me to do so.
Again, thank you for understanding, I appreciate it greatly.
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From FF
11 hours ago
Hey[NYV] hope all is well with you and yours…I see you defriended me and was wondering if I offended you in anyway…I sure hope it is not because of your mother…we parted ways a few months ago as we differ greatly on political matters…she was so offensive and nasty to me because I did not see things her way …I guess I don’t have to tell you anything new about that but hoping just the same you are not upset with me….miss seeing your posts…
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From NYV
6 hours ago
FF,
I’m doing very well, emotionally I feel that I’m better than I’ve ever been in my life, though of course I have a good therapist and amazing people in my life to thank for that. You have never offended me, I just want to be as disconnected from my biological family as I possibly can be. I don’t want them to hear that I’m even looking well, because frankly, they don’t deserve it. With the exception of some abusive emails from my father in June, I haven’t spoken to them in just over a year now and my only regret is not walking sooner.
You’re totally right, my mother is a nasty and horrible person who hates everyone other than herself and her son. I’m sorry she sounds like she’s getting worse, not because I care about her, but because it’s a shame to the people who have to deal with her– and let me tell you, it’s nothing short of a blessing that I got away before the election year!
I honestly never want to set foot in [home state] again, I never want to hear from them and I certainly never want to see them, and if at all possible, I don’t want them to even be assured that I am alive. I’m sure it sounds harsh, but believe me, it’s well deserved. My mother was absolutely hideous to me all my life and my father was only better by comparison. And so I deleted everyone who had a connection to them, I don’t even talk to the one family member that I liked (my dad’s sister, who knows why I bailed and why I’ve changed all of my contact info.) I’d be happy to add you back on here, as long as you can promise (and I know this probably sounds almost insulting, so I apologize) that nothing goes back to my family. Not where I live or what I’m up to, not even that I’m happy and thriving now that I’m away from them. Again, I’m sure it sounds over the top, but I’ve only got 3 months of therapy under my belt at this point, so there are things I’m still sticky about
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From FF
29 minutes ago
I am so sorry [NYV]…but can’t say as I blame you…you barely survived…I saw it over the years and just could not get my head around it…with that said perhaps it is best that we not be friends on here as your mom and I have mutual friends on here and would not want any of them to leak any post or exchange you and I had…but I will check in on you….I sure hope you swim out of this whirlpool of emotions as you are one very good soul and very very smart…your inner goodness and spirit is why you survived..she def has multiple mental issues and I can no longer deal with her or the issues…I have made allowances for years but she attacked me, my kids and brought my father into her rants on f/b posts…I pray for her as she so desperately needs help..sadly she really is not responsible for her illness…she is so saturated with delusions..she is very ill…she is a tortured soul but she cannot see her illness or identify with it that is why it has escalated over the years…but even through her darkest deep seeded dilusions she still loves you..tis maternal she just cannot cope or deal with the fact that she cannot control you and that is why her actions towards you have manifested into such despair for you…hope I made sense as mental illness is a mystery for no two people have the same illness…take care and keep the faith and much peace to you hun..
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From NYV
a few seconds ago
I agree that she’s mentally ill, it’s almost sure that she has a Cluster B personality disorder, like Borderline or Narcissism. She thinks she’s better than everyone, period, without ever doing anything to show for it. Mental illness is very prominent on her side of the family, [my brother] has an official diagnosis that he gets help for, but she refuses because it’s part of her bizarre “proof” of her superiority.
I’m honestly doing very well, though it’s not always easy. Accepting in your 30s the fact that you were abused basically means re-writing your entire history for yourself, re-evaluating who you are, why you’ve made certain choices and trying to learn how to undo the damage. I’m lucky in that I am surrounded by some very amazing people in my life who love and support me on my good days and bad. And honestly, as silly as it might sound, my dog is probably the best helper in the whole world because she’s just so full of love and happiness, it’s hard to feel bad with 13 pounds of love in your lap!
I appreciate you saying that my mother loves me, unfortunately it’s not true. My mother has been telling me all of my life that she doesn’t, never has and never will, along with telling me that no one else ever has or will either. The last time she did that was my breaking point, when I kicked her and my father out of my apartment last year. In her mind, I conceived myself with the intent to ruin her life and she has never forgiven me. And for as much as my father sucks less, he always felt it was my duty as a daughter not to fight back, but instead to keep quiet, suck it up and be nice in return. And meanwhile, somehow, [my brother] can do no wrong. I drew the short straw, but I like to tell myself that in the end, I’m stronger for it. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, it’s how we choose to react to the negative that shows out character.
Though I don’t consider myself a part of her, or them, I really want to say how sorry I am that she would be so vile and abusive to you (or anyone else) as to attack their family- especially someone’s children! I find that to be just about the most low and despicable thing anyone could do. And why? So that she can feel better about herself?
Anyway, it’s getting harder for me to say anything nice about them, so I should stop, I’m out of it and don’t wish them ill, nor do I wish them well, I just wish for myself now. Feel free to check in whenever you like, I don’t mind at all.
